Some random to break up the norm
This was my article in the Whetstone Newspaper at Wesley College. Its really just a bunch of misc knocks on policy and people. I wrote it for a year, every month. Enjoy!
September
I am only doing this to get popular
I thought about dating a cheerleader, or pulling a prank, maybe even streaking across the football field during halftime, but this isn’t high school and those days are behind me. Anyway, welcome to my new column about life, Wesley, and whatever else is on my mind.
To start off the new semester, new school year here at Wesley, here are some predictions:
You will complain about:
- parking
- caf food (just because)
- homework (hey…its college, get over it)
- How the same soda in the Wolverine Stop cost 39 cents more than the one in the machine its next to.
- How President Miller never remembers your name.
- Every exit has the sign “fire exit” in the dorms.
- How overpriced much of everything on campus is.
Things bound to happen:
- The elevator will break down (its an annual event to promote healthy lifestyles among students whom never take stairs)
- Dean Waldrop will smile (just one time, completely by accident and no one will see it).
- Your bookie now eats at the Caf for free due to your poker “expenses.”
- The late-night “librarian” will scare you to death.
- Someone you know will get the ever-dangerous “walking while intoxicated” fine.
- The fire alarm will go off in the dorm…for no reason.
- You will complain about the person that uses the elevator to go up or down one floor.
- Tuition will go up, more loans hooray!
Underground
renovates
The Underground has recently gone under construction for new SGA offices, taking the place of the pinball and Pacman arcade machines. These machines have been moved, but currently remain inoperable. Arcade aficionados find it ironic that the group made to create student fun, put it on hold while building a bigger office.
History dept. goes to the books
Over the summer the History dept. moved all of its offices from the 4th floor in the college center to the 2nd floor of the Parker Library.
With a reliable elevator, Dr. Phillip Coombe can now have his first stair-less semester.
No-go on
to-go boxes
Recently to go boxes have been removed from the Caf. Apparently people were taking too much food with them from the buffet line. That’s right, students were taking too much food with them from an all-you-can-eat buffet line.
Security gets
new wheels
Wesley security recently upgraded their previous “security sedan” with a new SUV. Now they can not only catch dorm robbers and felonious miscreants that commit devious doings, but also look much cooler and sophisticated while doing it. With 4-wheel capability, they can even catch criminals in the snow.
October
So far so good
Since I’ve written my article, I’ve noticed a significant amount of hits to my MySpace page. People almost recognize me and I’ve even started my own fan club.
Here’s the deal, I write what you think of, but never say out loud. It’s magic.
Let’s hope this edition doesn’t dissappoint…
Quotes heard
around campus:
- “Look at the weight they gained over the summer.”
- “Does Dr. Mask ever take a sick day? For once, that would be nice.”
- “Do I have to write something to get my name in Whetstone?”
- “Great, I get to park by the drug dealer again!”
- “Don’t they already sell coffee at the Wolverine Stop?”
- “Chris Connelly’s article is lame.”
- “You’re a lot more fun when you’ve been drinking…”
Things you will learn
while going to Wesley
- How to parallel park 5 minutes before class
- The wrong definition of plagiarism and its consequences
- How anyone can get into college
- How the only decent parking spaces on campus are available at the brink of dawn
- How the previous statement has been the same problem for years
- That 8 a.m. classes are for the insane
- That 9 a.m. classes are for the brave
- That 10 a.m. classes are just right
Coffee vs. Coffee
With construction complete on the new coffee shop located in the college center lobby, Wesley now has two coffee shops. What’s even better is that they are within a floor of each other in the same building. Fantastic, now Wesley can compete with itself, everyday.
Facebook gets personal
Within the past month Facebook introduced its new “news feed” which tells everyone anything and everything you’ve been doing lately. Anything from your relationship status to who you’ve been talking to is gleefully made available for all to see, as it happens. Take out profile information? Maybe add more?
Great, now we all know. Overnight, Facebook has created the tools for everyone to know as much about your life as you do. Stalkers rejoice! To celebrate I’ve created a group “My Stalker Loves the New Facebook.” Congrats, because now yours does too.
‘Thanks for the add’
Does anyone else get annoyed when they log into their MySpace and see this comment? As if it isn’t already a waste of my time to even read, much less for them go to my page and post.
“Thanks for the add.” Which in English means “thanks for being my ‘friend’ though you don’t know me, haven’t seen me and likely will never really get to know me.”
Yes, thanks for allowing me to add you as another number on my friend list, another person I’ll never talk to, but a profile I can check out every once in a while when I am really bored. Nothing wrong with being grateful we’re “friends” now, but if you feel compelled to “thank” me for hitting the approve button, your life must really lack.
‘No smoking’ in the lobby
Recently I walked by and noticed the “No Smoking” sign in the CC lobby (apparently it has been there for quite some time). But, for those of you who smoke inside, or particularly enjoy lighting one up in the lobby, now it’s official. You can’t, sorry. Never mind the Clean Air Act Governor Minner put in place years ago that limits your ability to cause the rest of us cancer. Now Wesley means business.
Comfortable to stylin’
There is good news and bad news. Good news is the lobby looks more like a coffee house than a veteran’s lounge. The bad news is no one wants actually wants to be there. If you notice how uncomfortable the lobby has become, it’s because all of the couches were removed in place of small, yet stylish chairs with mini tables and lights! Now, instead of lounging about in the lobby, you can correct your posture by sitting up straight, while overpaying for coffee in between classes.
Dial-up is back!
When students come to Wesley College they expect some downgrades. The food isn’t like it is at home. Mom doesn’t do the laundry and, of course, you’re broke.
However, when I left home in August to come to Wesley, I didn’t expect to take my dial-up connection with me. That was one area I thought my tuition covered.
When I can download research faster at home than here, there’s a problem. When my dial-up connection is an upgrade to Wesley’s lack of a broadband, there’s a problem.
Honorable lounge
When the history department historically left the college center for the pursuit of inspiration in the Parker Library, Mr. Gregory’s office became open.
Professors then turned that into the “Honors Lounge”. Complete with reclining chairs, couch and coffee table, Wesley’s academically elite can now sit and study comfortably.
Or if you just so happen to be on the fourth floor with time to kill, then I guess it’s ok if you relax there too. Sadly there’s no punch line to this one, except that I am typing this article from there now. (Editor’s Note: Check the sign on the door. There appears to be a lack of punctuation. Also, check the Honor’s brochure. Apparently Honor’s English 101 is a required sin).
Swimming in what?
Wesley does not have a swim team. However, last year Wesley spent a considerable amount of money to renovate the Jack Beiser Natatorium. That’s right, Wesley renovated a pool that not only is rarely open, but also doesn’t field a team.
Furthermore, if you ever find yourself using the word “natatorium” in a sentence, let me know. My email address is at the bottom.
Updates:
- Dean Waldrop has not smiled yet
- I shared the elevator with our President. We talked about the weather, our football team, but he still has not a clue as to who I am, even after numerous introductions.
- Many of you complained about homework. You know who you are.
- The fire alarm has gone off many times, once reportedly at 3 in the morning (many of our freshman were still awake at the time).
- Many people have used the elevator for just one floor. It was sad.
- I had to get my car started by the locals; it cost me a few drinks.
November
Giving you “the random” in doses
Much like the comic section of the newspaper, you probably read this article to take a break from the stresses and formalities of life..with any luck, this helps…
Time to be festive, in honor of Thanksgiving coming up, here are:
Things to be thankful for:
- Tuition hasn’t gone up since you walked in months ago
- The semester is almost over
- The person you chose for the final project has a higher grade than you do
- Mom and dad still give you money
- The sky hasn’t fallen yet
- Despite the fights and parties, you can still pay attention in class.
- Not all of us have gotten into fights, come in with SAT scores lower than a round of Jeopardy, or stolen anything
- Academic probation isn’t forever
Quotes NEVER heard
around campus:
“The Caf food was delicious!”
“I see my tuition is going to good use.”
“Never a dull moment at Wesley.”
“Nothing like a good fire alarm to get the blood flowing.”
“Its good to see the cops again!”
“Public speaking rocks!”
“Rave at Malmberg!”
“Parking as far as the eye can see!”
“Going to the book sale?”
“I hope they break into my room next!
You fight, I fight,
we all fight!
Apparently, the new “cool” thing to do around campus, is to get into fights. Fights in and around campus have risen dramatically since the semester started. Perhaps it’s the water, the weather or the fact there aren’t enough drinks in the fridge.
Punching someone in the face, a kick to the ribs, or even the occasional uppercut has never felt so good this semester.
Don’t like who is in your sight? Get into a fight! Why waste time talking things out, when exchanging blows does the trick so much better?
Congratulations guys. We’ve brought “Fight Club” to the everyday setting.
Special topics
not yet offered
(Nursing) Sustaining low blood-alcohol levels
(American Studies) What John Wesley has to do with Wesley College
(Environmental Science) Disease and Silver Lake
(Sports Management) Lucrative aspects of sports gambling
(Pyschology) The art of being a con artist
(Media Arts) Depth in adult films
(Religion) Box cutters, planes and you
(Political Science) Knowing everything, without knowing anything
(Spanish) How Taco Bell saved the language
(Business) Sweatshop management
Fast and furious,
Wesley style
Recently on my journey to see the Wolverines play the ever dangerous Sea Gulls of Salisbury, I bumped into our esteemed President on the road. The big black SUV with “Wesley” on the license plate was a dead giveaway.
Maneuvering through traffic with the greatest of ease, he was able pass countless cars, trucks, vans with varying degrees of mastery (apparently I can follow just as well).
Though I will not attest to his speed he was driving (and incriminate myself in the process), I will mention that I was running considerably late and we both made it to the game on time. I even had time to buy a hot dog before kick-off.
Signs that should
be around campus
Aramark: Buying Wesley one square foot at a time.
The Library: The last place you’ll find students reading books.
Slaybaugh: Your business is our business.
The Caf: Please eat and run
Zimmerman: Come one,come all, especially on the weekends
Wesley College: You thought Ellis Island was easy to get into
Security: Your business is our business, but only if you tell us.
The bookstore:We’ll charge you in ways you can only imagine!
The Jack Beiser Natatorium: If we’re ever open, let us know!
The Underground: The one place in the world where the Maury Show is on 24 hours a day
The Dorms: You’re fine, we’re fine, here’s a fine!
Wells Theatre: We’ll give you something to watch…sometimes
The Parking Lots: Where?
College Center Lobby: New but not improved!
Wesley College: One of the best colleges New Jersey has to offer!
These can’t be couches
Recently the College Center Lobby received new “couches.” Lets use the term “couches” loosely for this segment.
Now, they look good from the outside and blend into whatever motif the Lobby is looking for but, like their chair counterparts, they appear to be filled with concrete.
When I think of a couch I think of a comfortable piece of furniture that I can relax and maybe take a nap on.
But if you glance at the picture above (or in this case my pictures), that comatose look is more of agony because my back is being stabbed, than because of the “blissful” sleep I would like to endure.
I think its fantastic that Wesley wants to look better in front of alumni, visitors, the tour groups (its true that students laying around doesn’t give outsiders the best image of Wesley).
But, let’s be honest, who are these couches really for?
Image, or the students that use them?
I love hecklers
I just love hecklers. I love the inebriated, disoriented yellers and screamers that have nothing better to do than drink and yell at the opposing team’s players. They are the true fans, reaching the pure apex of fandom.
These crowd commentators say whats on their mind, regardless of how it sounds to the rest of us. Incoherent, irrelevant or even out of place, their comments are spoken from the heart and really, that’s all that matters. Right?
Its uncanny their ability to point things out. When a player is performing badly, somehow they are the first ones to know (and the first to tell the rest of us).
It doesn’t matter how good the other player is, the heckler will pinpoint their weakness, as only someone that disoriented can. The more they drink, the better their buzz, and the better their edge becomes.
Is the opposing quarterback a great player with amazing accuracy?
“No way, he’s a wimp who is too afraid to get hit.”
Doesn’t that pitcher have incredible stuff?
“Incredible stuff? Hah! He pitches like my grandmother.”
Regardless of the event, situation, or atmosphere, the heckler will always get their point across.
Buy that man another drink; he’s loosing his “edge”.
Awkward
elevating
Ever get into the elevator with someone you don’t know?
You’ll do everything but speak with them, much less make eye contact.
You’ll play with your phone, look at the ground, stare straight at the wall and mercifully watch the numbers change as you go from floor to floor.
You stand there, waiting for your stop, hoping that in the midst of this awkward elevating, you don’t have to engage in any sort of conversation with this person.
Heaven forbid you stumble, mumbling into some incoherant version of “hello” or “hey there.”
Besides, the mysterious person that you share the elavator with, will likely take your soul if you do.
Weather changes,
Wesley doesn’t
The weather temperatures come out at least 10 days in advance. Yet, here at the college center, it feels more like a sauna than anything else. I guess someone didn’t check the forecast, the same one that came in over a week ago.
When its hotter inside than it is outside, during the middle of fall, there’s a problem.
When I start wearing shorts because I’ll be spending the majority of my day in the college center, there’s a problem.
December
Randomizing everything
I have successfully introduced the term “random” into your everyday vocabulary. I see it everywhere now, from the labels of Facebook photo albums to comments and quotes everywhere. Though I will not take credit for using a word many people already use, I will take credit for the overuse of it since this started.
If Wesley had its own version of Monopoly, here are what the Wesleyopoly Chance Cards would be:
• An anonymous freshman broke something in dorm – all players pay dorm fine $25
• No hot water in dorms – stand waiting for it to be fixed – skip a turn
• Parked on New Street, car got jacked – move back three spaces
• Room broken into – you’re the alleged robber, straight to jail
• Forget dorm key, wait for security – skip two turns
• Roommate violates alcohol policy – pay $200, skip a turn, go to jail
• Williams and Gooding are full – move to Malmberg Hall and sign No Substance Contract
• GPA hits rock bottom – go to Fast Track
Let’s know nothing
I find it incredibly amusing that there are many events going on around campus that no one has a clue about, as if what goes on around campus is a secret.
From conferences to tournaments, to screenings and trips, the only ones who know about them are the same ones who created the event and their immediate friends.
It’s as if the most basic facts of these events are locked secrets available only from word of mouth.
It’s like asking someone where the next underground rave is; this secretive information is only available if you “ask the right people.”
When I need to hire “informants” to keep me updated on what’s going on around campus, there’s a problem.
When no one shows up for these events and no one has a clue why, there’s a problem.
Feces in Gooding shower stall
At the request of someone in Gooding, I feel absolutely obligated to bring up this one. Apparently some of you have been leaving your entrails in the shower stalls late at night. Let me make this completely clear: there are sties on farms where pigs shower and expel their waste. You can join them.
Let’s get robbed
Don’t you love coming back to dorm and notice that not only is your door open, but there’s something missing as well? Just like fighting, apparently stealing is a fun hobby for some around campus.
What I love even more is that we are notified much later about the incidents. I love getting emails about robberies and incidents that happened so long ago, that they’ve already caught the person who did it.
The advice they give the students is even better. “Lock all doors and windows.” Thanks for the security tip. While they’re at it they can remind us to “never accept candy from a stranger” and “look both ways before crossing the street.”
Man capris
Now, I know I’m completely infringing on the way a culture dresses, but when you’re wearing shorts that cover your legs to 2 inches above your shoes, you’re not wearing shorts anymore. I’m not entirely sure what you are wearing, but they aren’t shorts.
Library jive music
“Smack that all on the floor, Smack that give me some more, Smack that ’till you get sore, Smack that oh-oooh!”
There’s a reason you choose to work on things in the library as opposed to your dorm and oddly enough it’s not to listen to that.
I can’t stand it when, on the rare occasion I’m actually working, I’m interrupted by someone’s “hot new ringtone.”
I think it’s great that you’re expressing yourself and perhaps your desires to “smack that” every time someone calls, but I don’t need to hear it.
It’s a library where people go to read (web pages), not ice cream social hour.
People go to libraries to get things done. If I want to listen to the hottest new remix and push off assignments, I’ll stay in the lobby.
O.J.’s new book
O.J. Simpson had the audacity to write a book entitled “If I did it,” detailing how he would have killed Nicole Simpson Brown and her friend, if in fact he did it. Granted, I don’t know what’s in the book, I do wonder how many times the editor had to change O.J.’s “actions” in the book so that they didn’t mimic the actual events.
It’s really a brilliant concept, being found “innocent” of an alleged crime, then making money off of how you “would have” done it.
Editor’s note: The book was written, though never officially published and released to the public.
You still look the same
There are four mirrors in the College Center, two before the elevator and two after the elevator hanging on the wall.
Many of us, myself included, actually look at ourselves when we walk by them, as if something has changed between leaving the dorm and this very moment.
Guess what? You still look the same. I know it’s strange, but between the quick walk from the dorm to the College Center, nothing has changed.
Your face didn’t break out into a million zits, it hasn’t changed to green, fuchsia or orange and your hair hasn’t budged since it dried from the shower.
I’ll still look at myself as I walk by, for whatever reason. I just don’t know why.
Just don’t fail
Exams are coming up (no kidding). I have good news and bad news. The good news is it’s your last test before sleeping in for a few weeks.
The bad news is if you fail you won’t be sleeping in much next semester. Oh, the class will be offered again, but only at 8 a.m.
I hope you set the alarm.
‘If you lived here, you’d be home now’
Anyone see this sign and just get annoyed at the idiocy behind it?
No kidding, really? You mean to tell me that if I lived here, in this town or at these apartments, I’d be home? Wow, that’s amazing. Thanks for pointing that out. Prior to reading that sign, I was completely confused on where I lived. I guess I don’t need GPS after all.
It’s sad. They put these things on billboards shouting, “I couldn’t think of a better slogan, so I’ll just dazzle you with the obvious. Oh, please call the number below.”
Maybe we should put up similar signs in front of the dorms, but with a twist. When we bring potential students around, let’s remind them, “If you lived here, you’d be broke now.”
February
New semester, new randoms
Like the Wal-Mart greeter in the front, I’m welcoming everyone back to our esteemed and easily mockable Wesley College.
Winter break was nice, but now is when the real fun beginnings…
Bold predictions for
Spring Semester
• Some professors will see frost on their cars and refuse to come in due to the massive snow accumulation.
• Dean Waldrop will continue to make every other facial expression, except a smile.
• We’ll recruit football players that can run, catch and pass but not read, spell and do Dr. Wentzien’s math problems.
• I swear, the elevator will break down this semester. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
• More of the locals will make their way onto the campus, some likely bearing “gifts” for sale.
• Security will take much longer than necessary to get to you.
• You’ll wonder who on the tech team really knows anything about technology.
Promises I can’t make
•That you won’t be robbed
• Despite adding an ice cream section to the Caf, that you won’t find something else to complain about.
• That the internet will ever exceed your dial-up connection at home.
• That Dean Waldrop won’t visit your Facebook page.
• That your academically challenged friend from last semester will ever return.
Let’s not break windows
One of you was bright enough to punch a hole through a Roe window. As you found out, glass is in fact sharp when broken.
I don’t care why you did it; I appreciate your idiocy. You gave me material for this edition and thats something you can’t put a price tag on.
Minus, of course, the cost of the blood transfusion you needed from the artery you blew in punching the window.
To go boxes are back!
In a brilliant move Wesley brought back “to go” boxes for the cafe. Now whether its partly my doing in bashing it last semester, or the fact that they were loosing plates and mugs by the day, it’s irrelevant. Wesley gave the people what they wanted. Probably once they realized it was hurting their bottom line.
Waldrop’s
watching you
It has recently come to my attention (and been confirmed) that your favorite Dean and mine, Dean Kenneth Waldrop has his own Facebook account.
Thats right, just like anyone else at Wesley, he can watch your every move through Facebook’s “stalkerscope” mini-feed.
Have no fear, in fact show the Dean your Wolverine spirit by making him feel welcome on Facebook. Make him your friend, perhaps even invite him to your next party. You know he’s been waiting for the invite.
You’ve been
‘canceled’
Many of you had classes that were canned, sorry, “canceled” without you having a clue why let alone that they were canceled in the first place.
No, you haven’t been “punk’d”; the English class you signed up for really vanished. That business class you need to graduate someday, it too was canned.
It’s good to know my academic progress is based solely on Wesley’s convenience in keeping the class.
March
This senioritis will be the end of me
Seriously, never in my life have I felt more likely to do nothing than I do right now.Now I know how my boss feels when he comes into work.
You might have senioritis if…
• While in class you’re thinking more of American Idol and Boston Legal than of Dr. Fox’s lectures or Dr. Clack’s midterm.
• Turning things in on time is too early
• “optional” really means “not in this lifetime”
• you’ve played risk and reward with assignments and often chose risk
• you’re finally making your scholastically inept roommate look good for a change
• your snooze button on your alarm clock is nearly broken
You’re getting
flushed
With all of the wonderful expenses Wesley insists on tacking onto us, you would think they’d be able to provide toilet paper for dorms year-round. But no, Miller-forbid we provide an adequate amount of disposables to wipe yourself with. When you pay thousands for room and board at a college, you would think they’d cover your tail when it came to personal hygiene.
Let’s listen
to nothing
Chances are you won’t keep a microwave that doesn’t heat things up and chances are you won’t keep a TV around that doesn’t show anything on the screen.
However in our underground , Wesley insists on keeping a broken jukebox around because it looks pretty and probably too heavy to move anytime soon.
Perhaps if we perform the musical rain dance around it, it’ll do more than stare back at us. Though, I agree with most of you, it looks great just sitting there. But, like the microwave and TV, its really just a tease.
We should really get the guys from IT to look at it, just for them to confirm that they can’t do anything for that piece of technology either.
Let’s not trash
the lobby
Here’s a brilliant idea, and forgive me for saying so, but let’s not trash the lobby.
I know many of you are so happy like little school girls to sneak out with a few extra ice cream bars but you’re also the same people leaving those very items in the lobby.
You’re like the bank robbers getting away with the money but dropping most of it in the bank parking lot.
Off Campus
Rebels
What’s food shopping without the occasional shopping cart race down aisle 7? Rev your engines and corner like your on rails! Dodge displays, shove each other into the frozen food section, and nail each other with the spaghettio’s can when one of your friends isn’t looking.
If your friends aren’t entertaining enough, steal items, better yet, the entire cart of someone else. If you feel like really living on the edge, fill up your entire cart with items, and leave there empty-handed.
Flyer grafitti
Flyer graffiti At a Wesley college we have an usual number of artists, the only problem is these “artistic talents” only come out when even flyers go up.
These same people are apparently a part of a grammatical elitist club, as they are the most likely to correct spelling errors and punctuation mistakes.
Not that the rest of us care of anything, but even still we thank you for your tireless effort in making those flyers as professional as my nephew’s finger paintings.
April
Just a few
more left?
Its good news, bad news time. The good news is, I’m graduating in May where I can happily begin to pay back my student loans until the day I die.
The bad news is, I just have a few more of these columns left to write. Actually both are bad news, but I’m trying to stay positive about the first.
As in, I’m positive I’ll croak before these loans are paid.
Reasons why we
choose Wesley
• The great food in the Caf
• We can make new friends on every street corner
• The role model of a president to look up to
• The locals are so hospitable
• Education clearly comes before athletics
Reasons why we
stay at Wesley
• Mom and dad think so highly of our school
• Dover has so much to offer
• Police take their time getting to Donnie and Burn’s place
• The extreme amount of snow days
• Security is so quick on scene
• Chris Connelly
Something worth writing about
Sunday, March 25 I was walking into the college center to work on this edition, and among other things, write this batch of randoms.
Instead I found myself greeted by the smell of idiocy, stupidity and inanity.
Thanks to whoever was bright enough to kick in the Wesley security’s SUV door.
Not only did you waste the two hours of my life it took to cover it, but you gave me another place to put my name in the paper.
By the look of the foot print, I can tell you’re certainly not the “big” man on campus.
The Monday-less
Sorry kids, the secret is out. Most of you will not be here the Monday after Easter.
In a brilliant move, Wesley made it so that instead of thinking of Easter eggs and peeps, you’ll be thinking more of “is the laundry done?” and “how can I avoid the traffic this time?”
Good to know that my tuition money is reinvested into paying professors to come in on a day, that few of us will actually be around for.
What else
can we steal?
“Props” to whoever stole President Miller’s “WESLEY” license plate. Not that I condone tag stealing, but just when I thought there wasn’t enough to rob around campus, this opens a whole new set of doors.
Though, given the circumstances, I’m sure you’ll figure out how to break into those as well.
That was a fun run.
