Sometimes that’s good, regret and remorse can be a powerful tool if used properly.

Sometimes its not, sometimes it can hold you back from the people you love, opportunities and positive influence.

For the longest time, not until a few months ago really, I held onto so much…that it kept me from moving on with life, from developing healthy relationships and from committing to things and people I love or could have loved. I was over things but I wasn’t over the sin and with that I didn’t forgive myself for my actions.

I still kept part of it with me, part of that sin and those memories so close.

It was never the past relationship that I had to get over; I had admittedly checked out awhile before I had left. It was the one right after that (what it meant, not what it was), and the reasons for leaving the first stuck with me.

“I finally found that life goes on without you, and my world still turns when you’re not around.”

But it no longer haunts me…

Past actions, sin, continuing it..no longer haunt me.

Just recently, on January 24th, I rid myself of everything that was remaining from the past. Its gone, all of it, not a single part of it physically remains, even the files. I’ve reclaimed that day.

I’ve been over it for awhile, but every now and then its something I choose to revisit, to look over, to examine (the sin). We’re forgiven for our sins when we ask, but sometimes that isn’t enough to us.

I can say that my viewpoint on it has forever changed; I have overcome our past.

Its this metamorphasis transitioning chapters in life. New things bring new attitudes and perspectives. We change a lot over time. In going back into my past today, reading through various things…I realize I’ve lost something along the way. I’m missing the creative passion I once held so dearly and so tightly to myself.

Words, expressions, visions flowed out of me. I could ryhme words in a heartbeat; I had a desire to do and be more than I was. This youthful attempt at becoming, at being in a significant way. Whatever it was that I was going for, or was a byproduct of my life, I had it.

Perhaps it was the trauma from various drama or whether I’ve simply matured and changed into this individual today. I don’t know but sometimes, ever so often, I need to be reminded about who I am, the inner creative that used to devote more of his life to craft. I was in college; I was dealing with things, more than I could ever imagined went through my mind. I overworked, overstudied, over did everything. I was an extremist on a mission to do great things.
I fell off along the way; I took a job after college, moved, changed my life and lost that expressive person a long the way. My focus was on new things, in turn I lost what I held so close, so dearly before.
One of my new years resolutions was to find this inner creative…I need to reinvent the inner creative, in a strong way. I like who I am now and what I’m doing, but I’m not the same person.
So…lets find it…

Things I want to improve on, become more active in, changes I plan to make, foresee and continue on…

• The path back -  I have some people still left to speak with and with Monday off, I need to arrange talks with them then.
• My sister – I’ve done very little in terms of getting back in touch with her and trying to rebuild our relationship since the falling out…I need to get more active in making that a priority
• ContributeDesign – I haven’t touched a non-profit client for quite some time; there’s a call I need to make to one of them and begin work there
• Reading books -  Seriously, I have a ton of books I need to read.
• Prayer time/quiet time – I try to read my Bible everyday, but that doesn’t always work out, prayer the same. I need to just get better at both
• Communication with friends -  There are people, as of late, that I have let fall a bit by the way side. I need to reconnect with some friends, people I used to speak to often. I’ve let myself become absent lately and I’m not a fan of it.
• Art/Writing/Side Projects -  I haven’t worked on art in sometime and there are a few pieces I’d really love to tackle. Writing wise, there are a few drafts that need my attention to finish. I need to finish things I start through. Side projects…its been awhile since i’ve done anything flash related, I need to make something cool and I have a few ideas how to express that.

This is all for now, its part of the constant thinking, always seeking…its all about what I want to become, what I should become and the journey there.

Lifestyles, choices, mistakes, lovers, friends, decisions…we take everything with anything. I’m finally at the point where things of the past (of all sorts of the past)…fail to bother me. Battles lost, false expectations, high hopes crushed…all the same, I’m good.

I can honestly look back at the road I’ve taken none of it haunts me anymore.  I can talk to Katie without any sort of lingering guilt or conviction.  I can talk and see Welsch with pure enthusiasm for anything and everything she’s doing with her life now, regardless of who its with or any past feelings.

The ghosts are gone, no more hauntings, no more what if’s or wondering.

Its funny how things are, how I leave my life to pursue what I thought was another, better life…only to end up in something entirely different than either. I’m in a much different place than I was or expected to be. This journey has taken me to places I could have never imagined, good and bad. It’s given me this unique intrinsic perspective that I can only hope to help others with.

I once feared my future because of the actions of my past. The coming resolution in lieu of what I could or should be my own doomed manifest destiny.

Now I find myself at the point where by understanding and seeing my own past it better enables me to understand others. Having once lived a virtually perfect life with all of the values and morals of a righteous man, to have fallen into a self-absorbed, egocentric, individual…I’ve seen both sides of my life. I’ve lived in polar opposites of my own existence.

Now, I’m looking over things, past, present in future…all at once, now I truly see where it is I am, where it is I am going and what it took to get here..and I thank God for pulling me out alive.