Sometimes that’s good, regret and remorse can be a powerful tool if used properly.

Sometimes its not, sometimes it can hold you back from the people you love, opportunities and positive influence.

For the longest time, not until a few months ago really, I held onto so much…that it kept me from moving on with life, from developing healthy relationships and from committing to things and people I love or could have loved. I was over things but I wasn’t over the sin and with that I didn’t forgive myself for my actions.

I still kept part of it with me, part of that sin and those memories so close.

It was never the past relationship that I had to get over; I had admittedly checked out awhile before I had left. It was the one right after that (what it meant, not what it was), and the reasons for leaving the first stuck with me.

“I finally found that life goes on without you, and my world still turns when you’re not around.”

But it no longer haunts me…

Past actions, sin, continuing it..no longer haunt me.

Just recently, on January 24th, I rid myself of everything that was remaining from the past. Its gone, all of it, not a single part of it physically remains, even the files. I’ve reclaimed that day.

I’ve been over it for awhile, but every now and then its something I choose to revisit, to look over, to examine (the sin). We’re forgiven for our sins when we ask, but sometimes that isn’t enough to us.

I can say that my viewpoint on it has forever changed; I have overcome our past.

Will you lift me up with tender care?
Will you wash me clean in the palm of Your hands?
Lord, hold me close so I can thrive
When you touch me, that’s when I know I’m alive

Newsboys  – Thrive

The more I give, I see,
this life’s not about me

The more I love, I see,
this life’s not about me

The more I help, I see,
this life’s not about me

The more I do, I see,
this life’s not about me

What do we usually talk about in those first encounters? Our name, where we’re from, what we do for a living. Most of us discuss those 3 facts  before anything else…

I am Chris Connelly, living in Delaware and I’m a web designer.

Are those really the 3 most important facts of our current life? What about faith or family?

In other cultures around the world…they have it right on first introductions…

I’m Chris Connelly, follower of Christ and I love my family (or wife, kids, etc).

They are more defined socially by faith and family/heritage, etc than anything else. In America, we define people by economic class and what state they attained that dreadful accent from.

What is important to you? I love my job but it has nothing to do with the person I am. (So I think in terms of code and how things are done a little more than the next guy, not much else aside from that.)

Honestly, what is important to you? Introduce yourself to someone differently than the norm and see what happens…

In any event,to avoid any further tangents and rabbit trails I’m feeling productive today. I’m accomplishing things, my mindset is geared more towards getting things done and less about what surrounds them.
I prayed on my way in for a day like this…and I attribute all glory and progress to that very prayer.
Thank God for productivity,

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I’m Yours
This is the way
This is the way

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I’m learning to breathe
I’m learning to crawl
I’m finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I’m learning to breathe
I’m learning to crawl
I’m finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Here’s what I want, optimally, around me for the coming new year…I want a crew.

I want a crew of good, Godly men, around my age. Granted, I’m a part of a men’s group now and that’s nice, but what about guys that aren’t in that? The 6-8 I see every week are perfect, but why not open the scope a little bigger. People from other churches, denominations, viewpoints. I just want a varied group of incredible men within a phone call’s reach of anything.

I’ll admit, guys are terrible at this sort of thing. We’re terrible at connecting, talking, sharing the joys and pitfalls of life. We’re the least likely to rely on each other and heaven forbid we reveal any sort of vulnerability. This post, in and of itself against the grain.

Why? What’s the big deal? I want to spur and be spurred to bigger and greater things, things in life, things in Christ, things that will better me and those I affect. Its all about forward progress that’s beautiful in essence and only suggests that we as men can be so much more than we are. At the same time, given our human nature…I’m going to fall, screw up and ruin things in life. I’m going to make mistakes, bad decisions and willingly go against what I know is right…and ya know what? I want to be held accountable for it. If I fall, I want someone to know. Its a daily battle against the flesh and I’d rather not battle it alone.

How? I’m figuring that one out…no rush, just God’s time.

“One factor that motivates me to forgive is that as a Christian I am commanded to…But beyond that, I can identify three pragmatic reasons. [you know I like practical applications!!]  First, forgiveness halts the cycle of blame and pain, breaking the chain of ungrace.  Without it we remain bound to the people we can’t forgive, held in their vise grip.

Second, forgiveness loosens the stranglehold of guilt in the perpetrator.
It allows the possibility of transformation in the guilty party, even if a just punishment is still required.

And third, forgiveness creates a remarkable linkage, placing the forgiver on the same side as the party who did the wrong.  We are not as different from the wrongdoer as we would like to think, for we too must ask our Heavenly Father, “Forgive us our debts”

Matt. 6:12… He who cannot forgive others burns the bridge over which he himself must pass.“

Thanks KT/Mom, hope this blesses you.

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I’m not alright, I’m broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I’m not that strong.

I’m not alright, I’m broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

I’m not alright… that’s why I need you.

I’m not alright, I’m broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Lifestyles, choices, mistakes, lovers, friends, decisions…we take everything with anything. I’m finally at the point where things of the past (of all sorts of the past)…fail to bother me. Battles lost, false expectations, high hopes crushed…all the same, I’m good.

I can honestly look back at the road I’ve taken none of it haunts me anymore.  I can talk to Katie without any sort of lingering guilt or conviction.  I can talk and see Welsch with pure enthusiasm for anything and everything she’s doing with her life now, regardless of who its with or any past feelings.

The ghosts are gone, no more hauntings, no more what if’s or wondering.

Its funny how things are, how I leave my life to pursue what I thought was another, better life…only to end up in something entirely different than either. I’m in a much different place than I was or expected to be. This journey has taken me to places I could have never imagined, good and bad. It’s given me this unique intrinsic perspective that I can only hope to help others with.

I once feared my future because of the actions of my past. The coming resolution in lieu of what I could or should be my own doomed manifest destiny.

Now I find myself at the point where by understanding and seeing my own past it better enables me to understand others. Having once lived a virtually perfect life with all of the values and morals of a righteous man, to have fallen into a self-absorbed, egocentric, individual…I’ve seen both sides of my life. I’ve lived in polar opposites of my own existence.

Now, I’m looking over things, past, present in future…all at once, now I truly see where it is I am, where it is I am going and what it took to get here..and I thank God for pulling me out alive.

I had an incredible time while I was there. I learned a lot, got to hang out with a great group of guys and further developed my walk.

Its been years since I’ve gone and admittedly months since I’ve attended a church service, but this may be what I need to get back into it all. I’m gone..for a weekend, with nothing but Christian brothers with nothing but Christian fellowship and learning.

I remember last time I went, my cell didn’t work, I didn’t bring my laptop…no real contact with the outside world. It was the perfect getaway.

I’ve been so reluctant over the year to get back into church, since it was partly them that I left when I moved here…but this is what I need.

“Death whispers words of defeat in my head, My God I draw near, My God I draw near.”

Do you ever find it funny that, the only time we ever seem to be “getting close” to God is when death whispers words of defeat, failure, loneliness and abandonment?

Do you ever find it funny that the only time we make time to talk to God is for things that we need, want and are lacking.

In our loneliest of times, THAT’S when we reach out to God, when instead hes been waiting the entire time for the good and the bad. Its like never seeing a friend but calling them every time something’s wrong. With open arms, that person talks you, consoles you, gives you answers to questions you can’t find yourself.

They’ve always be there, through thick and thin, any hour of the day, regardless of what they were doing.
You reach out, take a leap hoping they’ll catch you before you fall. In turn, they ask so little, maybe not much at all. Maybe all they’ll ask you to do is love your enemies as you do your friends, respect everyone or just help out someone in need, treat everyone in love, honor your parents.

You’d consider the world of that friend because no matter what, they would be there for you. Yet, we find it so easy to forget God until we need him.

If that friend were real, we would talk to them a lot more than in those dyer times. By someone coming through in one area, it tells you that you can trust them in another. So you build this friendship, this relationship..that keeps building.

When things happen, and the hammer falls, they’re there.

Someone, s o m e t h i n g you can count on.

“Death whispers words of defeat in my head, my God I draw near, my God I draw near….I draw near”

I’m nowhere near where I want to be,
Please God keep the faith you’ve had in me.
Give me light,
Give me the sight,
The strength to fight,
As I continue on this plight.